Stand up comedians are never short on opinions. Prior to shows, comics often hang out backstage in the greenroom and chat about things away from the crowd.
During the summer and early fall Canadian greenroom discussions often revolve around the Blue Jays. Like most professions, there are a ton of Blue Jay fans working in comedy. Sounds like an opportunity for a weekly column.
Presenting… Greenroom Blue Jays Talk. Each week here on Blue Jays Republic members and friends of the Comedy Records family will share their thoughts on a Blue Jays related topic. It could be anything from the current state of the team to the current state of the Pizza Pizza slices at the Rogers Center. Either way, it will be important. Here’s the debut edition:
Greenroom Blue Jays Talk
The Raptors have found success since appointing Drake to the position of Global Ambassador. Who should the Blue Jays recruit to fill the role for their team?
The Weeknd. Not only was he born right outside of Toronto and is a global star with massive hits, he’s got great hair. People already call it a birds nest, the Jays could capitalize on it. If he’s the ambassador? We could call the Rogers Centre the Birds Nest. He could put a plush Jay in his hair for games. I mean, come on! Also, his music is great.
Finding another Drake won’t be easy. Donald Trump is the obvious answer, since everything he touches is super great and the kind of people he gets out to live events are the core people the Jays need. Putting the ‘fan’ in fanatical is their strength. Sold out games, blind loyalty, hatred for anyone not in a Jays jersey is the edge you want at home. Make people afraid of you 24/7. You can even see the bankrupt Trump Tower when the Dome is open, which you’ll definitely want to keep closed, so no immigrants try and climb in.
My nomination for Jays Global Ambassador is Domer. If theres one thing I’ve learned during my time on earth, its people love nostalgia. Nothing more nostalgic than our half shelled friend, Domer. Now, Domer doesn’t speak but to be fair, Drake never speaks about the Raptors either. It’s not about the talk. It’s about the walk. The Global Ambassador job is to be a symbol of coolness that’s associated with the team. Like Drake. Like Domer.
A great global ambassador for the Blue Jays would be Alanis Morrisette. Like the Jays she performs with edge, is capable of hits that are out of the park and had her greatest success in the early 90’s. She could also make opposing players uncomfortable about every woman they’ve screwed over with performances of “You Oughta Know” before each game…then again, she is not near the top of the charts these days while the Blue Jays ARE near the top of the standings. So the Jays would actually be helping her more than she was helping them. Hmm…isn’t THAT ironic?
This might be a controversial pick for Global Ambassador but I’m going with Kenny Rogers. He doesn’t have anything to do with Toronto or the Blue Jays or even baseball as far as I know but I say we start every game with Kenny belting out The Gambler and a 7th inning stretch with Kenny picking out one lucky Jay to sing a duet of Islands In The Stream. The team nor K-Roj will address why it’s being done or what it has to do with anything but it’s gonna happen every game. The Globe is just gonna have to deal with it.
I think we should have another Canadian rapper represent the Blue Jays. That rapper is Snow. The Blue Jays team is very multicultural just like the city and embraces all different backgrounds. Who better to represent us than a white guy who thinks he’s Jamaican? Plus for sure he won’t give away any franchise secrets because…well you know.
Are we sure the Raptors have benefitted from Drake? I know they definitely got the benefit of being fined $25,000 when he tried to recruit Durant. I guess 2 courtside season tickets offsets the cost (assuming he pays for them), but I don’t know if just covering the debts you create yourself is what a team needs in an ambassador. The Jays Global Ambassador should be someone who represents the bandwagon fan like myself, so I’ll choose one of the whack-a-moles from the CNE because, like my fandom, those guys don’t show up until the end of August.
The only choice for the Jays’ global ambassador is the chick from the movie ‘Species’. She, like our glorious ball team, is Canadian, charismatic, athletic and fearless. Granted, the gorgeous alien-human hybrid will occasionally shape-shift into a man-eating creature and devour one of us to become stronger, but as long as our team of government scientists (led by Michael Madsen) can prevent her from escaping our clutches in a quest to find the perfect mate to impregnate her, it should be pretty cool for the fans. At the end of the day, I’d be happy with anybody but George Strombopoulos.
I mean, the obvious answer is Ephraim Ellis. He’s the actor who played the kid who shot Drake on Degrassi. Truth is, I couldn’t think of an earnest answer so I made a silly joke. Seriously though, everyone should go watch that scene again on Youtube. Breathtaking drama. Here’s the link
Linking our beloved Blue Jays to a celebrity was difficult… Until I remembered two new celebs who recently caught all of our the attention, Bonnie and Clyde, the escaped High Park Zoo Capybaras. They ran the bases of all of our hearts during their famous jailbreak. While these “adorable” rodents would probably prefer South American temperatures and freedom, like many of our fave Jays players we’ve trapped them here with promises of a comfortable life and adoring fans. Not sold on oversized rats repping Toronto? Just think, a giant orange rat might soon be running the United States of America.
Even though he is not a Canadian, the Blue Jays ambassador should clearly be Roberto Alomar. Talent and World Series rings aside, if anyone gives him any grief he will spit in their face. If Roberto is not available, then Kardinal Offishall or Snow would suffice.
Chad Kroeger! I’m joking. Clearly, I’m joking. If we’re looking to tank the only Canadian Major League team, one pic of Chad in a Jay’s shirt can get it done! My serious choice is Toronto born RnB artist, ‘The Weeknd’! He’s the only Canadian artist in Drake’s ballpark (while not being as hated as Bieber). Baseball is not a sexy sport. We think of baseball to kill the mood, but The Weeknd’s sensual tunes get everyone fired up in the bedroom! He can help Toronto baseball’s sex appeal as much as those ‘I Heart BJ’s’ shirts!
Whether you’re looking for someone to represent a professional baseball team or apple juice, there’s no better option than Frank D’Angelo. If you know who Frank is, you understand the selection. If you don’t, here’s a taste. He’s an entertainment juggernaut who can act, direct, UFC fight and sing. Global Ambassading shouldn’t be a problem.